Intro to Drunk Eating

Getting smashed on adult root beer comes with both its vices and rewards. For one, you can feel euphoric, indestructible and attain levels of self-confidence only seldom experienced while sober. For a few hours you feel like the most interesting, well-groomed and sought after individual in the tri-county area and no one can tell you differently. Consequentially, however, you also tend to make horrific errors in judgment with regards to the opposite sex, embarrass yourself repeatedly and commit acts you only remember with the aid of videotape or whisperings from the surrounding community.

Even with the valleys and peaks of inebriation, one thing stands out that every whistle-wetter can look forward to: the delicious foodstuffs that present themselves as a pleasant and rewarding nightcap near the conclusion of the evening. Not sharing your bed with anyone in particular? Drown those sorrows and tears in a jubilant combination of salts, fats and sugars. They give you the same warm feeling of companionship as a bed partner without the awkward and unpleasant interactions the following morning.

What I'm going to illustrate here are some of the often overlooked principles that are grounded in the act of eating while drunk and some delicious creations that you will most certainly enjoy next time you throw back some of Grandpa's old cough medicine. Remember that alcohol makes you entirely immune to the ordinary effects of fatty foods so pay no attention to those numbers on the back of the package.

To begin, drunk eating must occur with alcohol in the system. Much like the effects of our herb friend 'marijuana', there is some chemical reaction that occurs in the body that makes food taste all that much better with alcohol in the system. But, the combination of alcohol and food has a fine line between delicious and repulsive...

Pizza and beer = good.
Pizza and a cosmopolitan = disgusting.

Beer goes well with many salty, greasy foods. Pizza, burritos, Doritos and fried chicken all go very well with beer. However, beer does not go well with sugary things like chocolate cake, candy bars or jelly beans.

That is not to say that its impossible to enjoy sugary things at some point in the night, its just a matter of deciding when to consume them.
It's very easy to go overboard on the food/alcohol combo and find yourself in front of the toilet early in the night, so remember to take it slow. All too often have we seen that special someone take a nosedive at some point in the night from having too many gin and tonics coupled with too much birthday cake. People forget to save the heavy stuff for the end of the night when sleep is imminent.

For instance, you can start the night off with a pizza while putting down a few beers. Once a proper buzz is going its necessary to slow down the eating to a few bacon-wrapped cocktail wieners here and there, or maybe a handful of Fritos. The heavy stuff goes down easier later in the evening after the physical intake of liquid has stopped and the feeling of being drunk sticks around.
Your stomach can only hold so much volume so remember that by the end of the night you can still be completely shit-faced but still have room to spare in the ol' tum-tum. The same cannot be said when someone is putting down three straight Jag bombs while trying to eat a gas station burrito simultaneously.

Let's fast forward to the end of the night when stories have been created, stomachs have been purged, shovels have been thrown and police reports have been filed. This is when drunk eating really becomes an integral part of the night.
People exit the bar after close and often see a gas station nearby. A gas station is an oasis of food in a vast desert of drunkenness. It triggers a switch in the brain which rumbles the tummies of local bar patrons and sends them running to bright lights. What's better, the ability to reason at this point is so diminished that money means nearly nothing. You can go into the station and pick out whatever you want no matter what it costs. You don't know any better at the time so its essentially free food. Sweet!

Gas stations are full of anything that you crave whether it be sweet, salty, sweet AND salty or just plain delicious. This is where it all goes down. You are still inebriated but your stomach is empty. The alcohol has been processed and its remnants released. It's time to engage in drunk eating.

But what to eat? Sure, there are the old standbys like nachos, chips or jellybean pizzas, but you want this to be a night to remember for a few minutes. While the following items may sound disgusting and weird while sober, give them a try next time you find yourself with a $5 bill and nothing to eat.

1) Spaghetti-Os straight out of the can - Absolutely the most incredible canned product you can find after the bar closes. For some odd, divine reason Spaghetti-Os actually taste worse when heated up after 2am. Don't ask me why, they just do. SO be sure to avoid God's wrath and keep them at room temperature. Of course, it requires a can opener to experience the treasure inside but if you think real hard I'm sure you can find a way to break the can open. Be creative.

2) Lunchables - Yep, you had them when you were in 2nd grade and they are still as fun as ever. They provide a convenient and preservative-filled way to enjoy those last few hours of the night and warm your heart with a trip down memory lane. And since there are equal slices of cheese and ham for each cracker, your drunk ass won't have to worry about rationing anything. Just rip open the package and go to town.

3) Chicken in a Biskit - Mediocre cracker by day, communion cracker by night. These little poultry-favored snacks actually taste like a slice of heaven. If you thought that chicken and crackers couldn't be made into one delicious treat, you are incredibly mistaken. Just be sure to eat the whole box before the next day - they lose their luster in the daylight.

Now, this last idea is far from disgusting. I thought I had tried every combination of breakfast foods known to man until, one night, I got back from the bar and concocted this...I call it the Defibrillator because that's what the paramedics will use on you when your heart stops in the middle of the night from eating it.

You will need: 2 waffles, 4 strips of bacon, one slice of Muenster cheese, one dozen eggs and maple syrup.

Come in the door stumbling drunk and grab your materials. Put the waffle in the nearest toaster oven. Turn on two of the four oven ranges. Drop the carton of eggs on the floor. Cook the bacon on one stove top Cook one of the remaining unbroken eggs, over easy, on the other stove top. Realize you burnt your waffle, throw it out and toast the remaining one. Place the slice of cheese on the waffle, the bacon on the cheese and the over-easy egg on the bacon. Poke the yolk so it spills over the rest of the creation and top it off with a drizzle of syrup. Fend off others who want to steal the baby you just gave birth to.

And there you have it. The Defibrillator. Absolutely delightful.

So, the next time you partake in a bit of debauchery, be sure to use the advice and ideas you now are aware of. They will make your night much tastier.