Seven Stitches Later

I recently made a trip to the hospital courtesy of Steve Bailey. It was only my second lifetime trip and I was quite excited. The steady stream of blood oozing from my hand dripped onto the Oslo 2 sidewalk almost as fast as my tears of joy.

Let’s take this back a few steps… Scene: Scott Povolny hits Steve Bailey with a metal shovel in the head (Home Alone). Scuffle ensues. Povolny goes inside to gather his bearings. In the meantime, Steve loses his and picks up a shovel. Calmly, but assertively, I try and tell Steve to put the shovel down. “Put the fuckin shovel down, Steve! Steve, put it down!” Just then, Scott is about to come into the doorway that I am occupying. He realizes Steve is around the corner waiting to retaliate. Scott curiously pokes his head around the corner and wisely pulls it back.

This is the time in a movie where everything goes into slow motion. Steve pulls the spear/shovel back over his shoulder with both arms, and like an African hunter gatherer. He launches the javelin into the doorway that is occupied by my body and I. “This is going to be bad, this is going to be bad.” I raise my hands to defend my body as I forgot to carry my shield around with me that day. After about what felt like ten seconds of javelin hang time, the rusty, sidewalk salt ridden shovel blade became one with my hand. It was very intimate. Within about one or two seconds it was very evident that I was going to support the city of Decorah and check out its hospital facilities. Unfortunately, it was about 10:45pm, Friday night and nobody sober came to mind. It’s quite the revelation when you realize it’s a struggle to find a sober cab to the hospital. Nonetheless, we called the party we were about to head to and thankfully there was somebody there who selflessly decided to stay sober on a weekend night.

We get to the hospital. “So, what happened tonight, Josh?” – Nurse

“Well, umm, there was a little altercation at our place tonight and I seemed to have caught a snow shovel with my hand.” – Me

I figured I was probably about the third shovel patient that night. Oddly enough, they acted as if that wasn’t the case. Steve and I were kindly escorted to one of the medical facilities. Have you ever seen a ten year old in Toys R Us? Well, it’s very similar to Steve Bailey in a hospital room. First he checked his blood pressure. Then he looked through the ear checker outer thinger followed by analyzing a fake X-Ray on the wall. He did everything barring a CT Scan.

After about an hour and a half of drunk dials from the emergency room, the doctor was finally able to sew me up. I anxiously watched the doc stick needles and shit in my hand for about twenty minutes. Seven stitches later, I was good as new. Just another Friday night at Oslo 2 I suppose.